Worst Timing

Everyone can see it, but I try not to let it show. Even though everyone knows. I smile pretty and introduce myself, one again. The Office Supply Faery.

Everyone knows
Everyone always knows
But I can't let it show
Or I will collapse

I stripped off all my masks in hopes of creating a new one. Just one, this time. I'm such a hypocrite. Shattered pieces scatter across table and grass, and all I can do is sit there. I grab her and pull her to my chest, shoulders heaving in unison as tears fall on the back of her neck in the park where I hope no one is watching. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and whisper "I'm sorry." But that just makes it worse. It always makes things worse. Bloodshot green eyes in startling contrast against grey skies. Her beauty a tragic one, if only for the moment, and I do not understand. I'm the one at fault, the betrayer of words and trust. I should have known. Lies generally have a way of coming back to you. She looks me in the eye, waiting for me to say somehting to make her better. To assure her. There are no words, for things such as this. I cannot lie anymore. I can't say she won't be betrayed by people. I can't say anything but "I don't know." Because that is the turth. I do not know. Her stare is that of deepest loathing and gravest hurt. Then she looks away, pulling the knife from my heart. Inside, I fall to the ground, bleeding and smiling slightly, but not from happiness, and knowing that I deserved the whole thing. But on the outside, My gaze falls in Finality Waves to my toes, and I walk away, hoping she will follow when she wants to speak to her betrayer.  But she does not come, and instead declares cold unintelligent. I stay there, head in my hands as she moves toward the warmth. I need to stay. I need to punish myself for being so bad. I grip my jaw and throw my last mask at the pillar, watching numbly as it shatters and melts. The last mask was gone, lying in a deceitful splay, cursing at my very existance, at the very thing that created it, for throwing it away. It was my oldest, rusting slightly at the edges. She set me free from all of them. She has that kind of power.

I realize it's only her opinion I ever really cared about. Then I let it all go. Everything I was poured from my eyes onto my knees. And though there was little actual precipitation, it never rained so hard as that moment. It seemed like years ago when I was sitting in the grey park, stuggling to regain composure and what I have lost through the holes that used to be my eyes. But it was less then twenty-four hours. She stripped them all off, one by one, until she saw me for who I really was. Cold, shaking, scared to death. No one to hold me when I let go. But I was alright with that. I never wanted to have anyone see me like this, much less the one I admire the most.

We both put too much of ourselves into this proverbial can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup to let it go. I have never been so bare, so vulnerable in front of another. But I think that, right now, I have done all I can.

I'm sorry
I love you
I have no other lies


Fuck.


                                            I have the worst timing.